"I don' know where to go," cried Sandy. "I feel I have no home to return to."

After months of heated arguments, therapy and negotiation, Louis and Sandy finally came to a painful decision - divorce.
Sandy and Louis have been living abroad for over 12 years. With the divorce, Sandy finds herself being stripped of her entire way of life. She has to move out of the company flat which she considered home. Naturally she no longer belongs to the bankers' wives' social circle. Trying to avoid painful old memories, she distances herself from former mutual friends.
Though Sandy was previously active with charity work, she can no longer afford the time. She is busy seeking employment and rebuilding her life. Her hands are full dealing with all the changes which come with divorce.
Besides having to figure out who she is, she must also face the question of where she belongs.
In Sandy's case, she is in Hong Kong because of Louis's career. After so many years there, the place is very much her home. Yet after the divorce there is no specific reason for her to remain. In many countries, a single unemployed foreigner will automatically lose their resident status. Thus, for Sandy to stay means finding her own career, both to support herself and to provide her with a legal status.
Although Sandy is receiving a reasonable amount of maintenance, the idea of relying on someone who doesn't want to share her life makes her feels degraded and dependent. Therefore, finding a job is also an issue of self-esteem.
Yet when it comes to employment, she faces barriers because of not speaking Chinese, and without specific marketable skills she may find herself unemployable. This makes it difficult to re-establish herself as an independent entity.

"I would be better off leaving Hong Kong to have a fresh start."

Going home for Sandy seems like a natural move. But where is home for her? Being away from her native Belgium for so many years, she has grown apart from friends and places she once felt she belonged to. Furthermore, she and Louis have always lived in company flats, which leaves her not even a room she can call home. Sandy feels she has no "home" to return to anymore.
Even though Belgium was Sandy's native land, upon returning she would have to readjust, re-establish a social network and go through reverse cultural shock. All these can be overwhelming on top of the emotional and other personal changes caused by the divorce. Also, she feels "forced" by circumstances into leaving. She may end up resenting the move to Belgium as much as the divorce.
Adjustment to divorce is hard enough by itself. An immediate move can cause additional commotion. If possible, people should limit the changes made at one time. Allow time to adjust to life without a partner or to being a single parent. Running away will not cure the pain, but may compound it even more.
Weigh the pros and cons of remaining abroad or returning home. Do not try to make a life-long decision during the immediate post-divorce stage. After all, once you can cope with the change and gradually rebuild your life your outlook will be different. Then is the right time for making long-term plans.
On the other hand, if you choose to go home you should reserve some emotional space. Do not feel obligated to report or share with people if you don't want to or aren't ready. Gently tell people that you need time to sort things out. Sometimes other's comments or criticism towards the former spouse will only add to the pain and confusion. Support from friends or relatives can be very helpful but you need to select the ones that suit you.
Expatriate divorcees, especially non-breadwinners, obviously will face more changes. Returning home immediately should be treated as an option rather than a must if the situation allows.
Divorce can be a long and painful process. Even when divorce is final individuals still need a lot of time - up to two years - to adjust and cope with the changes. Most importantly, they need time to heal.

©1996 Cathy Tsang-Feign