Excerpt from Chapter 7: COPING WITH SEPARATION
This represents just one partial excerpt from Chapter 7.
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Where the Heart Is 
"Home is where the heart is..." is a poetic notion. But if the heart isn't where the body is, it can make more than one person suffer.
"No one seems to understand what I'm going through. They only think I'm having a good time here," Shirley said.  Shirley, a former nurse, moved to Thailand with her architect husband fourteen months ago. She tried to locate work in her profession but found it impossible because of language constraints. She pursues other interests and studies and still has plenty of free time on her hands. Bored, feeling a misfit in a foreign country, and homesick, she takes any opportunity to fly back to Australia for a visit - to see her mother, for her grandparents' birthday, girlfriend's baby shower, and so on. Her frequent journeys home were intended to recapture the good old feelings. Yet Shirley sensed a new-found distance between her and her friends. They repeatedly reminded her of how lucky she is. They envy the travel, the luxury of having a live-in maid and the fancy expatriate lifestyle Shirley enjoys. Her friends having painted a rosy picture of her life in an exotic foreign country, Shirley felt almost compelled to live up to the image. When she tried to point out the disadvantages they dismissed her "complaints" as false humility. Quietly she swallowed the complaints and dissatisfaction. With no one to pour out her sorrows to, her high hopes of re-experiencing the old closeness and support with friends and relatives all but disappeared. Back in Bangkok, Shirley's husband Jeffrey has been very understanding of his wife's frustration. Though he feels lonely during her frequent absences, nevertheless he encourages her to travel back to Australia if she believes it will help her. Jeffrey at the same time is making headway in building up his own network. His job is demanding but rewarding. Through work he is meeting lots of people and making friends. Naturally he feels more settled in the new environment. When people move to a foreign country it isn't surprising that some may be tempted to return home often. However, for individuals like Shirley, there are probably some real triggering issues behind her frequent flights home. Shirley views most things in the new country as temporary. For her, home is still back in Australia and she believes making new friends is a waste of time and effort. At the same time, she resents having let Jeffrey's career advancement dominate over hers. Because of him she gave up her career, friends and community status. Deep inside she feels she is losing control. Returning home is her way of not letting go of what she had and of not giving in to Jeffrey and the situation after all. Shirley runs home to Australia to relieve her frustration at living in a foreign place. When she feels bad, she hops on a plane. This is like taking an aspirin for a toothache. The pain may subside, but unless the underlying problem is treated, the discomfort will always reappear. She feels like the victim of the situation, but she is in fact unconsciously sabotaging herself from making any adjustments. Such behavior indicates unspoken aggression on her part: She refuses to give in to living in Thailand. This is probably an extension of her resentment at submitting to her husband's wish to move there in the first place. Shirley's frequent visits home deprive her of the chance of ever feeling settled down. After all, she never sticks around long enough to build her own social support. By distancing herself from Bangkok, by not making an effort to find a niche for herself, by not allowing time for real friendships to develop, she is reinforcing her own dissatisfaction at living there. It is a vicious circle. As Shirley has found out, each return trip becomes less satisfying than the last. Eventually, she may feel rootless both in Bangkok and Australia. Furthermore, the delay in resolving her feeling towards her husband can put a damper on their relationship which will cause destruction in their marriage. She realizes that Jeffrey is committed to remaining in Thailand for the duration of his contract. She is trying, for his sake, to not interfere with his career. Running home enables Shirley to soothe her own unpleasant feelings and delay confrontation with her husband. But her resentment and hostility remain. The longer she avoids dealing with them, the more likely the problem will be diverted into other areas, and become more difficult to deal with. This will most likely come out in the marital relationship itself. Shirley has to come to terms with her life. She must face the fact that the "foreign" country is "home" for the duration of their stay. With this frame of mind, she can put more effort into settling down and building her support network, instead of constantly looking elsewhere. Fleeing home only prolongs and postpones the process. People like Shirley need to be honest with themselves as to whether they are running home to avoid unpleasant feelings or situations. Confronting with such feelings is essential. Denying the feelings will only cause further confusion and misunderstanding. The spouse of someone like Shirley may think he is being understanding by encouraging her to run home. In fact he is only helping her to avoid confronting the problems. He needs to encourage her to openly voice her troubles and complaints. Together they must directly evaluate the situation, without blame, and seek ways to accommodate both their needs. It would be helpful prior to relocation for couples to openly and honestly discuss the pros and cons. After several months of settling down, do a review and evaluation of any unpleasant feelings that have built up.
©1996 Cathy Tsang-Feign |
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